Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Point of No Return

I was about to post a piece I wrote last year for a personal essay class on why we lie about who we are but after reading it I realized it doesn’t represent me anymore. I am no longer afraid of who I am and no longer feel compelled to play the game and agree with this or disagree with that because I’m supposed to. That’s bullshit.

In a minute I’ll tell you how that happened.

But first: How often do you deceive yourself by saying the opposite to eliminate hurt feelings? Are theirs more important than yours?

“Of course I’ll be there” when you know you won’t.
“I love you” when you would rather be with anyone than alone.
“He’s a great boss” when he’s an arrogant, lying, user.

Why can’t you just say “sorry, I won’t be there” or “no, I don’t love you and frankly, I deserve better” or “he’s an asshole.”

You want to know the best way to emerge?

Take control of your body. I’m not kidding. Keep reading.

Ask yourself this: what is going on in my life right now that I can completely control? Now answer. Not your marriage, takes two. Not your kids, they’ll tell you how much you suck as a parent. Not your singleness, we all need someone so stop saying you’re content being alone. Not your boss, he’s only in it for his best interest. Not your friends, usually it’s all about them, too. Not your pets, even they get pissed off. We won’t get into your parents or your family.

Unless your answer is “you” you’re rationalizing.

The only thing you have complete control of in your life is your body. How it looks, what you put into it, how you treat it. Unless you think of yourself as worthy of looking your best you will pretty much go along with what everyone else says and continue to smother your greatness.

Little story here: I had a relationship breakup a few months ago after three years. I learned a lot about myself from him and love him, but he’s not the guy. It still hurts. He has found another seemingly more suitable and I’m truly happy about that, even though occasionally I feel those twinges of sadness. For quite some time I kept going back to that dark place where I overanalyzed my decision because, as you know, memories sweeten as the bad dissipates. This can make you crazy. One tiny slip can imbalance your mental state for quite some time.

During this time I became depressed and naturally, didn’t eat. Ironically, I felt better. I bought a Canon DSLR and took up photography. I walked miles around town and spent hours at the beach taking pictures. My photos improved. I lost weight. I decided I wanted to lose more, trim down and tighten up.

For some reason I relapsed into the abyss and went back to my old eating habits for a few days. I felt like shit. I bought an exercise DVD to replace the VHS ones and 3 lb. weights. Went back to listening to music I love, loud, – Seether, Godsmack, Disturbed, Pearl Jam. I started this in September. In October I cut all junk food, bread, and dairy except for what is used to cook and the rare indulgence. I continue to cook from scratch.

Oh yeah, you know how ads talk about comfort food and how it’s okay to feed yourself when you’re depressed? Well, it’s not. Offering food or alcohol as consolation is a punishment and a trick. Ask yourself this: do you really feel better a few hours after you eat an entire plate of nachos or down half a bottle of Drambuie?

I’ve lost 14 lbs. and now wear size 6 jeans. I bought fitted clothes, smaller, sexy things from Victoria’s Secret and heels. Dated 3 men – looking only for sex but that’s a different blog topic.

I have never felt so liberated in my life. Co-workers have noticed the change. They comment on how I look, my attitude, even my walk. When shopping I catch men and women noticing me, some even start conversation. I look people in the eye and not past them when speaking. Ever notice how they find this unnerving? Talk about power!

Mull this over. Your body really is the only thing you can completely control and if you develop the attitude that comes along with it – allowing your mind to think and feel freely and embrace this emergence – if you don’t deny yourself yourself, the uncharted territory that will come your way will offer you nothing but opportunity or at least, peace of mind.

Disclaimer: You may find that some things in your life may no longer be suitable. Your life might change. Would this be so bad? Be brave enough to confront this. Everything has a price but if you don’t push yourself to the point of no return, you’ll never know who you could have been.

Don’t deny yourself the greatness you deserve.

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