It seems that I am in constant search of a better me. I typically feel that I need to improve in the various roles life hands my way, so for the last 20 years or so I have read all that I can about psychology and inner strength and spirituality and psyche and karma – watch out for that one – along with absorbing all the commercials that prove that a female cannot possibly be worthy or desirable unless she looks good on the outside, and have discovered that although there are bits of truth in all those books and ads the bottom line is, I need to focus on what is good enough in me already. (As you’re reading this, feel free to substitute “I” for “you.”)
Think about this. If you know you do something well other people notice it too, which makes you wonder why they don’t notice the other things, the things you really want them to notice. I woke up this morning and it hit me – the things we do well, the things we feel passionate about, are as natural to us as the sun is to rising in the sky. The problem is they alone don’t define us. We are also emotion and passion, and that is what people we are trying to meet need to experience, but how?
My kids, who are 18 and 23, have a lust for life and still have the ability to live in the moment. They are typically happy from the minute they rise until the minute they hit the pillow. And I mean happy – laughing, joking, and messing around. They work and play and know how to infuse joy into it all, and when their day sucks their pity parties are insignificant. They tell me I’m too serious and ask what happened to their “other Mom.”
They see snow as beautiful and cleansing and I see it as something to shovel. They feel happy when they see the cats and talk about their personality differences and quirks and I view them as more of a scooping event, two little cat boxes. They are still excited about Christmas and have been bugging me to decorate since Halloween, but I see it as yet one more thing to do.
This morning my waking jolt back into reality told me that how you are and what you do for those you love, and for those who love you, is what is important. Enjoying yourself is to enjoy your life. It doesn’t matter that my neighbor is jetting to Paris for Christmas while I speed to the Mall of New Hampshire, it matters that I am excited about that trip. I’m getting back to being excited about my life simply because it is my life.
So…I patted the cat’s head this morning and actually spoke to him in sentences. He was taken aback for a second then got into the affection; he enjoyed the moment. I paid attention to how my hot coffee smelled and tasted. I looked around my house and realized that it and all that is here, is here because of my hands and heart. I looked into my sewing room and saw the new car seat and baby swing and thought about my daughter who is having her first child, my grandson, within a few days and that I want to be as good a Nonnie to him as I was a mom to my kids. I feel renewed.
Today, my daughter and I are going Christmas shopping and I will buy new decorations and light up the house like I used to. I will finish the presents I started and the little dress for my daughter’s best friend’s new baby girl.
What I have thought of in these last few hours is that I am good enough; what I do I do well, because I love what I do. I bake, cook, clean, shop, sew, write, walk, photograph, and work, and who I am shows in the passion I have for those things I do. I am so much more than meets the eye.